If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
