why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
