Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
