turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
