Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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