Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
