I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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