i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
