I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
