It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
