but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
