Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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