Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
