Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
