just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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