My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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