someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
