I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
