It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
