I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
