everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
