After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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