Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
