Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
