I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
home. puking in laundry basket.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
