The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
