drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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