I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
