i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
