Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
