Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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