**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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