i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
