It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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