In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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