We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
