You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
