she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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