as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
