Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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