Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
