If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
