so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
