I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
