You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
