Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
