i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
