she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
