you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
