my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
