dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
